Decisions, Decisions


Julia stood on the cold tile of her bathroom floor. She placed her hands on the sink and lurched forward at her reflection in the mirror. Her face turned side to side as she examined every detail: the excess hair around her eyebrows, the scar left behind by that notorious pimple last year, and her lack of thick eyelashes. People often commented to Julia that she was an attractive young lady, but she couldn’t get past her minor flaws, as most young girls don’t. Her skin looked particularly moist this morning. It gave her a marvelous glow that Julia only thought of as oily. She stood on her tip toes to try and see her breasts. She couldn’t notice any immediate changes. She took a deep breath and turned to the toilet.
“This time,” she exclaimed, “I’m going to see something.”
Julia turned and did a side step over and nervously pulled her panties to the floor. She sat and thought about the last month. January was over with, and she had picked up her old habit of smoking again. February was always a short month. It would rain, and then Valentine’s Day would come, and then it would rain again. It was March now. Her sister’s birthday was on the fourth, and that was last week. She counted again in her head: “33, 34, 35, 36…” She let out a deep sigh as she wiped and looked down at the particularly white piece of toilet paper.
“They just get whiter every day,” she proclaimed, as she threw the paper into the toilet and her head into her hands. “God, I feel so stupid,” Julia whimpered.
********
Julia headed for the bus stop at noon. It was windy outside and small pieces of dirt were adhering to her lips by her lip balm. The bus came a minute late. Julia nervously got on the bus, gave her dollar, and headed towards the back as the people watched her with their judging eyes.
“God, everyone knows,” she thought as she plopped herself down next to a window. She watched as the people outside passed by in their cars, thinking all of them had lives and had things to do, fun things, and here was Julia on a bus, worried about the rest of her life.
********
The office was small. There wasn’t much to it but a chair, a desk, a computer, and a couple of cheesy mountain range pictures on the walls. A chipper old woman came into the room. Her peach cardigan was buttoned top to bottom. Her red turtleneck hugged her neck and her double chin; a tacky gold crucifix hung to the fourth button down. She extended a wrinkled hand towards Julia.
“Hi, my name is Ruth, welcome to our office! How can I help you today?” said the older lady.
Julia looked through her purse and pulled out an ad from a newspaper, “I hear that you do free pregnancy tests here. I’d just like to have, or, do one today,” Julia nervously licked her lips and put the paper back into her purse.
“Of course we can do that,” Ruth said, as she took Julia’s hand, placed her free hand on Julia’s shoulder and moved her towards a chair near the desk. “We just need to create a file for you so we have a record that you received services from our office, is that okay?” Ruth turned a tilted head towards Julia, her smile revealed a smug of lipstick on a front tooth, which made Julia lick her teeth.
“Yes of course, that’s fine,” Julia said, but truly wished to remain anonymous.
Julia answered Ruth’s mundane questions as her mind began to lose interest. Julia turned to see the adjacent rooms to the office, filled with couches and shelves with books. Julia saw a picture of a mother holding her baby as it played with its feet.
“My god,” Julia whispered.
“I’m sorry,” Ruth replied.
“Huh, oh no, I mean, nineteen, I’m nineteen years old,” Julia replied as she rubbed her moist hands together.
“Are you cold, dear?” Ruth asked.
“No,” Julia replied, “just a little nervous.”
“Oh, well, most young mothers are,” Ruth replied. Julia tried not to find the hidden meaning in her words.
********
“Once you are done, just give the cup to me, I’ll take it from there,” Ruth said as she closed the bathroom door. Julia squatted and rushed to get her cup full, so she can finally sleep at night, knowing the truth once and for all. As Julia wiped, she noticed the immaculate whiteness of the toilet paper. She let out a sigh as she flushed it down the toilet.
“Now just have a seat, I’ll be back in a minute,” Ruth told Julia, as she held the cup in her gloved hand.
Julia entered her new room, the one with the books on the shelves and the “mommy” pictures on the wall. She noticed a closet full of clothes, a shelf full of diapers, and also a box in the corner marked “donations.” There were videos about conception, breast feeding, adoption, but nothing about…
“I’m back,” Ruth said in a perky voice, “and congratulations, you’re pregnant!” Julia felt her heart race, as she faked a smile. “Don’t worry,” Ruth said as she placed one hand on each of Julia’s shoulders. “Nineteen is a great age to have a baby, that’s when I had my first child,” Ruth exclaimed as she pointed to a picture on the desk. Julia turned to see a shiny metal frame containing a small Polaroid. A young girl sat in a hospital bed draped in white, skin glistening, eyes tormented with exhaustion as a crying baby sits wrapped in her arms. A man with glasses stood in the background wiping a pair of rather large forceps.
“What is that man doing?” Julia asked, grabbing the frame to take a closer look.
“Well, my little one was a breach baby. Do you know what that means? It means she came out feet first, they needed a little extra room, and…”
“Oh, okay, I get it,” Julia said, placing the picture so it faced away from her, regretting that she had asked. “What fun,” Julia thought as Ruth handed her papers with her estimated due date, and instructions on how to receive proper prenatal care.
“So, how about we set up your next appointment with us, that way we can talk about this some more,” Ruth asked as she pulled out an appointment book from the desk. “How is next month, say the fourteenth?”
“Oh, really? Well, I’m busy all day with school, so I really don’t have time during the day to schedule these kind of appointments, I mean, I had to skip class today just to come here,” Julia rambled.
“Well, we are open on the weekends, if that’s a better time for you. Here we have an opening on the seventeenth. Does that work?” Ruth wondered.
“I work. I can’t miss work, they’ll fire me. I need my job,” Julia said. Ruth ran her hand down the page, took a deep breath, and then closed the book.
“Well, how about you figure out something that works best for you, and you can call us, I’ll give you a card,” Ruth turned around and pulled a card from the table. “Don’t be shy. We’re here to help.”
********
Julia walked home that day. As the cold air blew from all sides, her hair flapped furiously against her face as if it were saying, “how stupid could you be?” Large pieces of dust were being thrown against her bare legs, into her eyes, her mouth. Not much was left to think about except that eighteen years is a long time. How much worse could this day get?
********
Julia arrived at her apartment to find that her roommates were not home. The living room was dreary; all the windows were closed. What little bit of sun shining through the clouds that day was blocked by the metal blinds. Julia threw her bag to the floor and relaxed in the hand-me-down recliner her grandmother had given her. She reached over to her purse and pulled out her phone. Nervously she scrolled down the list of names: Aaron, Alicia, Amber, Bank, Crystal, and so on. Old friends, good friends, judging acquaintances; she struggles to find the right person to call.
“Push send, Julia, make it short and sweet,” her mind insisted of her. “You’ll feel better by the end of this call.” Julia pulled the phone to her ear, hit the send button, and walked to her room at the end of the hall.
A phone rang on the other end. Four hundred miles away an older, shorter woman heard a familiar noise over her roaring vacuum. Moments later she heard the voice of her oldest daughter; Julia.
“Hi, mom, what are you up to?” Julia said with a sigh.
“Not a lot. I’m just cleaning up a bit. Your dad is having some company over after work, so the house has to be clean, you?” she asked Julia.
Julia sucked her teeth, “Oh, not much, mom, just had a long day.”
“Long day, Julia it’s only two in the afternoon,” her mother said with a gasp. “Are you still going to your classes?”
“Yes, mom,” Julia replied.
“Well, at least you do what you’re supposed to do. I can’t even get your sister out of bed for school. She’s so lazy lately, sleeps all day. I’m starting to believe that she’s pregnant,” Julia’s mom said in a lowered voice, as she pulled the vacuum cord from the wall.
Julia’s heart started to race again. “Why would you say that, mom?” Julia asked.
“Well, there are no pads and tampons in this house, and you know I don’t need any of that anymore, she hasn’t asked me to buy her any, so I’m sure she’s pregnant,” said Julia’s mom, wrapping the cord loosely around the vacuum.
Julia grows frustrated and asked, “So, what would be so wrong with that, mom, having a baby, bringing a life into this world?”
“Julia,” her mother replied, “it’s not about that. You know your sister; she’s too young for that; too irresponsible. She wouldn’t know how to handle that. I would just spend another eighteen years raising my own grandchild. I have a life too you know,” she said as she pushed the vacuum into the hall closet and slammed the door.
Julia paused for a moment. Her mother was right; her sister was young and irresponsible. “So, what about me?” Julia asked boldly.
“What about you, Julia?” said her mother, as she grabbed a feather duster and began to dust the family pictures on the mantle.
Julia felt anxious to have to clarify herself, “What if I was pregnant?”
“That’s different,” her mom replied, “you’re older, more mature.” Julia sat for a minute, contemplating just what to say.
“Hello?” her mother asked, plopping herself down on the couch.
“Yes, mom, I’m here,” Julia said, “I’m pregnant.” There was a short silence that filled the air. Julia wanted to ask if her mother was still there.
Julia’s mom sat for a moment staring at a picture of Julia in her eighth grade softball uniform. A time release air freshener shot a burst of cinnamon apple into the air and brought Julia’s mom back to the present moment. Her mom quickly replied, “No you’re not, Julia! You’re not pregnant! You’re too smart for that,” ending with a nervous chuckle. She glanced back at the photo.
Julia’s mind became blank, not wanting to let her mother down she replied, “You’re right, mom, I’m not.”
“Of course you’re not. Well, I have to finish with this house, it’s a complete mess. Call me again if you need anything, okay?” said Julia’s mom as she opened the screen door, letting the cat out for an afternoon walk.
“Okay, mom, I’ll do that,” Julia said, holding her breath.
“All right, talk to you later, bye,”
“Bye.”
********
Julia sat in bed for the next four and a half hours. The sun was slowly descended into the horizon, leaving a pink glow in the sky. There still wasn’t anyone home. Julia thought about the options that were available to her: vanishing to Mexico to live on a farm, the people that were and were not in her life, yet, and if she would ever make it out of her bed again. Her eyes grew heavy as she laid her head on her pillow and began to fall asleep. Thirty minutes later, she heard the front door close. Someone was home. Julia took a deep breath and let out a loud sigh as she pulled the covers from under her body and over her head. Footsteps came towards the door, and Julia tensed up. Suddenly, a knock, Julia held her eyes closed tight and pulled to covers tighter. Another knock came, and without an invite, one of her roommates entered the room.
“Julia, are you up? Let’s order in,” a voice said, as the lights turned on. Julia opened her eyes and was instantly blinded. “Are you going to get up, or are you gonna spend another evening in bed?” the voice asked.
Julia let out another deep sigh, threw off her blankets, and got up. “I was sleeping, I had a rough day,” Julia said, as she got up and lurched towards the window, shutting the blinds.
“Well, if you want to go back to sleep I can leave, no big deal,” the voice said.
Julia lay back down. “My life sucks,” she said huffed. She placed her head on her pillow and felt the weight of another person being placed on her bed. A hand came toward her face and swept her hair behind her ear. It was soft and warm. It found its way down Julia’s arm and to her hand, where it embraced it and pulled it away from her body.
“Please come out and let’s eat, you’ve been in here too long,” the voice said and pulled her hand closer, kissed it gently, and placed it back on the bed. The roommate walked towards the door, turned off the light, and walked down the hallway, fading into the distance.
********
A week later, Julia reluctantly ditched her classes again and headed towards a clinic near St. Sebastian’s. The hospital had clearly made its stance on her decision, stating it had no board certified physicians who were qualified for those kinds of procedures, and directed her to another agency that may be able to provide her further assistance. Once off the bus, Julia knew immediately that this was yet another day where she would have to prove herself to her adversaries. The sidewalk was lined with stern older woman, all in sweatshirts and jeans. Julia immediately caught their attention as she walked slowly towards them. They huddled for a moment and came towards Julia, pleading with her to think about the baby. Julia walked past them and onto the sidewalk leading through the lawn of the clinic towards the front door.
“You’ll be sorry,” one of them yelled. Julia turned around and saw the face of a woman she had just met a week ago. Ruth stood with her eyes glaring. Julia turned back around, held her head up and looked at the glass double doors in front of her. Her reflection came closer to her. She entered the double doors and was again brought back to the silence. She sat in the office lobby and wept, as a nurse came to her side and offered her a tissue.